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[July 11, 2008 @ 5:28pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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music |
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Third Eye Blind - Blue |
] |
<3
I haven't been this happy in a while.
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[July 04, 2008 @ 11:54am] |
im sick of people pretending.
i came to this live journal fucking shit to write a letter to alec and have you guys read it and tell me i should send it but i feel like this is more fucking important.
and my mom keeps telling me i cant save everyone but its hard for me when thats all i want to do in life. make everyone smile. i legit want to meet every fucking person on the planet as retarded as that may seem to some and its kinda hypocritical of me because while i hate humans i love them as well.
anyways i am finally going to say that (well before i start no one can say im a fucking hypocrite for writing this bc i know i am one by writing this but i need to get it out and i want ppl to fucking maybe see it like i do and everyone is a hypocrite so fuck you) everyone in our group like the kids who do drugs we all are like were happy were happy like happy blahhhh. like not to pick on you oli but that entry you had about being trully happy, it touched me. bc you honestly seemed happy, whether it is dan or the drugs you do or your life in general, you seemed genuinly happy and i respect that. i believe that drugs can make ppl happy and its ok sometimes but like has anyone fucking realized that all of you are going to die? like im not gonna sit here and dramatize or underdramatize but like whether you talk about it or not, some of us are so extreme that well do anything, others just are crazy and ppl got fucked up families etc and yeah the drugs help i cant sit here and say that they dont make me happy but like do you guys honestly wanna keep being fucking blinded by that shit? like does anyone fucking talk to each other? like does anyone know that one of friends was going to commit suicide THIS YEAR and no one fucking ever talks to each other bc were too busy fucking smoking and getting drunk and trying to forget our problems. and i bet if i asked everyone here why they do drugs theyd say they were fun as would i, but like why cant we have fun without that shit? like when we used to go to parties ppl would be like well it wont be fun unless we get high and like someitmes i would get high too just bc it was fun, but like if you cant hang out with anyone without always being fucked how fucking happy are you? like i know that some of us cry about their drug "problems" to other ppl and like it makes me sick that all of us do this shit and like never actually talk about shit. its all like a big fucking cover up and i guess thats easier than like having a fucking pow wow at a party but still dont you think we should fucking know when ppl are about to kill themselves? like how can we all like sit here and be so obsessed with our own fucking drug addictions that we cant put down the drink or put down the bong and like realize when a friend fucking needs us. like i know morgane calls me (sry to signal you out hun i love you) and like me and kyle are the only ones that fucking talk to her and i dont care if she was whoring herself and doing watever the fact that like we talk makes me feel good because i know shes there and i know that we are friends and i want to know when something is wrong and i want to know when something is bad and i feel like we should all like take the time out of our fucking scedules to give a fucking shit about the ppl we see everyday and the ppl we constantly do shit with. like after the whole heather situation, how can no one realize that that was like the fucking sign to everyone that maybe we should like try to COMMUNICATE. ok i have shit to do so like i would write more but i cant i hope at least this like this said something to someone
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| "when i see you" |
[June 26, 2008 @ 3:14pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Third Eye Blind - Out of The Vein |
] |
Third Eye Blind is like my favorite band.
one of them at least.
i always write bling instead of blind.
just a random habit of mine.
my nails are really long so its kinda hard for me to type.
i wont cut them tho.
they kinda mean a lot of things,
like the ribbon on my wrist.
i create meanings for things that dont need or necessarily deserve meaning.
i have been reading a million little pieces.
i want to know what is fabricated and what is hardcore fact.
i know lilly was exaggerated, but the book that he reads.
the Tao book.
i wrote down the title and i want it.
it relaxes me inside of the book when he reads it thats how amazing it sounds.
it makes me feel better.
i have been feeling off lately.
i have realized that i cant make piece with boredom.
instead it turns into over analytical thought time for sara that makes her sad.
i am not depressed by any means
or sad.
i have come to the conclusion that i just need to maintain a busy schedule to feel alive.
thats kind of bad that i cant make piece with the boredom,
but to be honest i dont want to make piece with it,
i want to destroy it and do something.
that to me is just a normal impulse of being human.
of course i have other issues of my own.
i have been reading like i said, a million little pieces.
and he describes addictions and he feels the same way that i do about them,
but as i continue to read,
i realize that i myself have an addictive type of personality.
not with actually substances,
but ideas.
ideas of being happy,
or not feeling lonely,
of being with someone i love.
i allow myself to become obsessed
to what i think is an unhealthy ridiculous level
especially considering the people i allow myself to constantly think about.
i havent been hungry lately,
not because of that stuff,
but idk why. just havent felt hungry. lol. its as simple as that.
i think about this boy a lot.
actually these two boys.
theres this song that talks about liking this one guy but still thinking about the guy from her past by fine frenzy.
i would look up the lyrics but im too lazy right now.
and that situation is me.
i think the reason im not getting what i want is because i want something that people arent really willing to give me.
we are all going off our own separate ways,
and i just want someone to tell me that they care about me, and want me, not just because im good looking or because they want to fuck me, but because they genuinely like me.
i was told for the first time last week that i was sexy.
it was kinda weird.
i have always been the cute girl and i dont know how i feel about being considered sexy.
i dont want to be sexy.
because i want to be known as more than that.
i know everyone knows im more than that,
but i just want someone to hug me and cuddle with me
and MEAN the feelings that they are giving me.
because right now i feel like i am trying to fill that void with people who are just there and willing to fill that void for a night or a day or whenever we happen to chill or cuddle or etc.
idk i think im just lonely right now.
maybe its just the boredom talking
or maybe its my obsession
or maybe its my still having not gotten what i wanted.
i changed my goal and i still havent gotten that
and all i seem to do is sit and bitch about it.
im good at that.
im good at sitting here and typing out all the shit about my random ass dilemnas that basically mean NOTHING in my life. i am just a very involved person and i cant help that. i will not excuse my obsession though. i will not excuse what i have let it become.
i need to start living and if i don't i will never know.
i will see everyone for basically another month and after that it doesn't matter so why should i care now. its human fucking nature and i hate every minute of it. someone needs to slap me. i want to feel alive. i feel alive sometimes but i need to learn to allow myself to feel that way all the time. my problem has never gone away, but i feel that if i continue to write EVERYTHING down, i can make it better over time. i have that hope and i live by it. i have to. what else is there for me? i dont want to be the type of person to fill one void with something else and then when that thing leaves fill the void with something else. i need to be happy with just me. i dont know if i believe that, but i have to try. thats all you can really do in life is try.
i want to go to college. now. im so ready.
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[June 10, 2008 @ 5:03pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
] |
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music |
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mix of stuff |
] |
my skin has that weird smell to it.
its not bad, just odd.
i like it, but not.
kinda like the smell of a skunk.
finished my pro for econ.
thank god i will be done with high school tomorrow.
not officially, but you know what i mean.
i have to work the next two nights,
that is gonna suck.
i am going to start crying in public,
which is what i am dreading.
today mister k asked me what was wrong
and i could have cried right there.
is was somewhat right when he guessed it was bc school is ending.
it is hell, but the people in it are not so bad (lol).
its just to have to experience everything in one week:
ball,
cuddling,
being in love with a douche bag and being able to admit it,
school ending meaning the end of seeing a lot of people,
the actual beginning of college which is scary thought,
the fact that the person i love will never love me back,
etc.
Mainly it is the love thing.
after all this time i wish i wouldn't say that
because i know that in a lil while ill look back and laugh at this
but my feelings feel real now,
so i cant really do anything about them now can i?
im in love with a boy
who fucks other girls behind my back
and makes me feel like the most special girl in the world.
he is very good at what he does; wooing girls.
he should start charging lol.
i know ill feel better in a few months
but i just need to get it out
so you guys will have to read this stupid ass entries.
whatever.
whatever.
i am really sick of crying.
i just want this week to be over so i can stop dreading the end of it.
although that will prolly just make me cry more, lol.
im so dumb X(
yeah thats it.
ill go eat some ice cream and wallow in my totally 5th grade sorrows.
woot for pity parties lol.
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| "llevame, donde estes...llevame" |
[June 03, 2008 @ 6:56pm] |
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mood |
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cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Despedida - Shakira |
] |
I feel completely poopy-filled and awful.
I am nervous for my Spanish final tomorrow.
I can't speak Spanish very well.
I am not as excited for Ball as I was before.
People are just so retarded, it's annoying.
I feel guilty.
Guilty as all fuck.
I am not hungry get I have been eating as though my stomach is a bottomless pit.
I want to cuddle, but can't bear the thought of being in arms that aren't mine.
I just...am ready to breathe again.
No more confinement, just breath.
Sweet, soft, and slow breath.
Everything until then is just another confinement that I keep myself in.
I am ready to breathe.
I usually hate Shakira but this song is amazingly beautiful.
"no hay mas vida, no hay..."
yes, a little emo, but hey,
it's beautiful and true.
Not true, but ya know what I mean.
Emotional.
3 more days of the week from hell!!!
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| "I gave you love and all you gave me was pretend" |
[May 27, 2008 @ 5:51pm] |
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mood |
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groggy |
] |
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music |
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Leona Lewis - of the mushy assortment |
] |
today was a pretty ok day. I'm kind of avoiding doing my Spanish project right now just because its so boring and pointless and why should i have to do this shit when I'm leaving in 13 days!!! lol yea I'm just kinda saying fuck it to a lot of stuff i shouldn't and prolly will end up doing because I'm a bitch to society. my dog got spayed today and when we went to pick her up i was sight seeing kinda. idk it was weird. i was in those moods that i get into about people. i saw a giant water tower and it was kinda scarrrrry not gonna lie. like you wonder why we have so many shortages of natural resources cuz we use so much of em. doood that thing was fucking HUGE! anyways yeah I'm listening to Leona Lewis' cd. my dad had it which is kinda weird but now I'm listening and i kinda don't like that she doesn't write her own songs. i feel like everything she sings is ballads so maybe she should actually write her own songs and feel them for the truth to her that they show, but i guess not. idk I'm just kinda of ranting right now in an attempt to avoid thinking and avoiding working. i like just breathing and typing whatever comes into my head. its easy and very refreshing. also I'm a very fast typer so its a pretty good way to get out what i want to say. i remember last time i did this Tiki called me during it and i didn't stop i just kept typing right through what she said because i didn't want to break my concentration because i knew as soon as i stopped i wouldn't start again. same thing now my arm hurts but i don't want to stop. lets see how long i can keep this going while talking about nothing lol. haha now I'm speechless. theres nothing really to talk about. my life is boring. one thing i learned about myself today is that i am still like the old me in one aspect -- i still long and wait for love. as dumb as that is and as much as i know that that is the kind of thing that you stumble upon and don't go looking for, i realize that i still am looking for it. the movie Moulin Rouge was like made for me because i think just like Christian. I think that love is the most wonderful gift you can have and give to someone. and i think thats why graduation is getting hard for me, because i have such a big heart. sometimes i dont though. sometimes i am quite cold and feel like i was not even meant to be human, because the way that i can get with some people is almost opposite to how i am sometimes. i wonder sometimes if when we say we love someone if we really mean it or if we just want to mean it. how can you ever really tell? i wish i could tell, because i say i love all these people, and they say that they love me back, but what exactly is love? what defines it and what is it that makes it so important to us? people always say that you should accept yourself and not live up to what other people want of you, but isn't love just going out and looking for someone to bring you up? see i said looking for someone there ya go. haha I'm just so cool like that. but still, does that make any sense? ok i really need to work on this and my arm hurts. I'm done talking about the L word. it always ends badly. lol.
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| "I gotta check into rahab, cuz baby you're my disease." |
[May 26, 2008 @ 11:21am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
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music |
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Rihanna - Good Girl Gone Bad |
] |
idk why this is bothering me so much, but it really is. i keep thinking about how much i want to think about something else, but its hard when there are no distractions. i need a distraction. someone please find me a distraction so i can stop thinking about something as dumb as this. i want to stop. "Who am i living for?" i know that i am living for me, but why i do this to myself, after doing it so many times, you'd think i would have learned by now not to think about shit so stupid. i am in SUPA for god's sake, i should definitely be thinking about more important shit. i just need a distraction. hell, everyone else uses them to escape something, so why can't i? i didn't even escape on saturday night when i got fucked up. i remember that one time, i came back from my black out, and i thought about it, i was fucking wasted and i thought about it. WTF dood?! lol. i just need school to be over. maybe i just am stressed even though i don't feel like i am even though i should be. bah, poop on this. im hungry. i best go eat before ariella comes over.
peace.
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[April 06, 2008 @ 11:28am] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Love in October |
] |
i wanna cry and scream and shout and run and stop and EVERYTHING.
the spring & summers are finally here
i feel so happy when i see the sun
and i think about all the fun i want to have
all the things i have left to experience
i sound so cheesy but i just feel everything right now
im so jittery still from yesterday
and it bothers me bc i cant focus
but what the fuck is the point in focusing?
how do i even know what i am focusing on is what i should be focusing on?
yesterday i lived in a chartoon
with the faces of people i knew.
it was the weirdest and scariest thing ever.
i still knew who i was tho
i was me
i was sara
and i knew that i couldnt do certain things
couldnt according to what i keep telling myself i cant
but i did them anyways
i felt a little weird about it
but i still decided not to follow my already made notions about what i should and should not allow in my life.
how i anyone tell me how to be
including myself?
this body isnt mine
at least not anymore.
i can't feel like i used to.
i hate to say something like that changed my life
but it really did.
its like seeing a whole new side to life.
i would be afraid to experience it again
but because i know that it exists i can stop caring so much.
stop caring about the petty things i do in this life
when i know there is a life more fucked up than this
that may seem cool at first but really isnt.
i probably will do it again
haha
who cares
i wish i had written shit because it woulda been so good.
i have to write my supa paper today and im debating whether this is something i should be concerned with.
i realize now that being with people is the most impt thing to me.
just hanging out and talking to people i love.
school and ipods and all material or man created things are like second hand.
while i may keep up my grades and may use shit like an i pod i know where my priorities lie
even if i may not even know the truth of those priorities.
hell,
i dont even know the truth of my lies.
all i know is right now i feel really jumpy
i just want to impulsivey do something. drive somewhere
with my hair in the wind
with someone
and ride away into a sunset
since sunsets define happiness
its always the happy ending shot
the hero shot.
haha truman show.
i need to watch EVA that will make me feel better.
much better.
april break here i come.
i have no money
and i know i shoudl be worried but im not.
I DON"T BELIEVE IN MONEY.
haha supa again.
fuck it.
ima go try to work on it.
maybe me talking like this will benefit my essay.
plus i have to see creamer tomorrow and i could just keep talking about nothing so bye.
even on a trip i knew who was impt to me.
my hands are shaking still.
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[March 30, 2008 @ 9:56am] |
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I forgot how much I loved Sailor Moon.
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[February 26, 2008 @ 5:55pm] |
intricately laced,
in that small place,
where my smile always stayed
and the water lilacs played.
i hate being the one to wait,
knowing the truth too late,
to give myself the time to heal,
the time to peel,
away from what you meant to me.
i don't ask for much,
just the truth.
and fuck my rhyming scheme i hate rhymes.
its time to walk away,
from the lilacs dropped with rain,
and travel from the side of the water,
and inside,
because i might catch a cold,
from all this rain,
this rain.
I don't want to cry,
i don't want to be deceived.
i'm done.
no more emo >.<
lol love u all :)
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[February 23, 2008 @ 4:55pm] |
they're right what they say.
i realized it today.
i am that way.
and it sucks.
because i don't want to be that gurl.
but i am.
i am.
i am.
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| book thoughts |
[February 05, 2008 @ 5:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 busy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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third eye blind |
] |
im reading "the bluest eye" by toni morrison for supa, and let me just say it is getting me to think.
and not about black people, which is who the book is about.
honestly, its the relationships that these people have with eachother that is driving me fucking crazy. theres this one part where the guy cholly is talking about how he cant understand having sex with one woman the rest of his life and how he gets bored with his wife. i honestly am upset by this. idk why, because i get bored of guys just as easily. maybe it bothers me that people get bored so easily, and we cant just love someone. maybe its the fact that i like guys that make excuses for avoiding relationships, and maybe cholly is right. maybe the guys are afraid of the boredom that they know will happen. maybe i know it will happen too, but it just gets to a point where u have got to decide to give up a chance or go for it without having to wonder the rest of your life if it couldve worked out. i have a problem with doing that. lol. like everyone else, i am steriotypically afraid of rejection in any aspect of my life, whether it be men or college, or w/e. i want to succeed just like anybody else. even as a senior i tend to still be afraid to just say what i want to say to certain people, and i guess that means my chances are waning. i will be the one to live with those consequences i guess. but i just.....idk...
anyways, im really excited for the dance this weekend! and i hope that a certain person comes ^.^
also i have a lot of supa reading to do tonight so i guess that sucks, but w/e. its all about the using of the noggin so at least i got that part down. i really want to write some poetry tonight too, to clear my head. hopefully ill have time with all the reading i have to do.
im sick of talking about boys all the time. haha here i go again.
honestly, not to be big headed or bragging or anything, but i think that every aspect of my life is amazing except for that, and i think thats why i dwell on it so much. my friends are amazing, my family is amazing, my opportunities are amazing, i got into colleges, im doing really well with my condition or w/e u wanna call the brick, and the only thing missing is that. i tend to dwell on what i dont have. but doesnt everybody? its hard not to, not gonna lie. especially when everything else seems to be going so well.
im listening to third eye blind and i never realized how much i really enjoy them. like im relaxed and entertained at the same time. kinda like the red hot chili peppers but wiht a different singer and guitar/bass sound. idk its nice. nice change.(thanks edi for the cds ^.^)
i wonder a lot where my life is going. me and caitlin talk about it alot. college, life, whatis about to happen next. and im scared. i know im not alone. but can anyone else really believe that we have only like 20 more weeks of school? even less now. like. i want to cry. i alwyas wanted to leave this place bc i hated it, now i want to leave bc i want to experience the tru beginning of my life, as cheezy as that is. still, now i will miss everyone so much. there is so much love i have for so many people, and i just hope that i can maintain my bonds with everyone, otherwise idk what ill do. of course ill make new friends and start a new chapter or w/e u wanna say in my life, but i still am dead afraid. i love this. its gotten so great these last two years, and i never expected it to. im happy, honestly and trully with myself, and i couldnt ask for anything else. i remember writing in health class one of my goals was to be honestly and trully happy with myself, and i am. there will always be things to work on, but thats part of lifes process. i cant be perfect, and i dont want to be. what fun is that shit? lol, but for serious. im excited, and scared, and really wanna poop. in a good way though :)
thats all my ranting for now. peace & love.
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[January 14, 2008 @ 6:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
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a fine frenzy (this cd is like my LIFE) |
] |
i see that im not the only one that writes really emo entries.
and it makes me happy.
at least were all in it together.
all i can do,
is send me peeples hugs.
so,
*hug*
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[December 18, 2007 @ 5:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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indescribable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
hmmmm....thats wat im trying to figure out right now.... |
] |
i love meditation.
its like the god of all helpers.
i feel really floaty right now,
like i just got mad drugged up cept im not and thats the best part.
i didnt need something to make me feel this way,
it was all me.
i have the power.
haha where would i be without supa?
lol that all we talk about in that class is power.
like about holiday parties and how ppl say theyre for all holidays
but they really arent.
they got trees and presents and red and green.
u got yummy food to eat,
and if ppl want to be ignorant, let them be,
you are the person who can eat their food or walk away and be stale about it.
sorry,
but nothing should get in the way of a party.
and yea i mite sound like an ass saying that but watev.
ppl get so worked up about such small things
i do to.
i mean come on,
the last week ive been on myself about this guy,
and for what reasons?
im sure tomorrow itll be the same again,
bt right now i honestly ask myself why i let ppl drive me so nuts.
maybe because were all connected
and i feel that i want love from everyone
and when i feel that ive done something wrong i always cower
bc i hate being unwanted and unliked.
its the worst feeling for me.
i know i do wrong things sometimes,
and i deserve it,
but idk.
its no fun.
i really thought about college too.
i cant realyl believe im not going to be here next year.
like im not going to be going to school here,
im not gonna see anyone i know,
its gonna be like starting my life over at 18 years old.
its really scarry.
maybe ill mature a lil more in college.
haha everyone does.
and they gain the freshman 15 (woot!)
im excited,
regardless of that fear.
im ready to get out there in the world,
and start a life that i feel like i can do something in.
i want to influence people,
not to be like me,
but just to be open.
lots of kids are these days
and i hope that continues
bc we need more peace and chillness in this world.
chillnesssssss.
i really have nothing more to say.
i dont know.
haha.
i feel like i always right really like deep shit on this page.
idk maybe im inspired to.
i feel like ppl reading this will......hmmm....i honestly dont know.
i cant figure out what kind of music to listen to right now.
i have so much music and i cant figure out what would be the best rite now.
lol.
i wanna really watch sailor moon.
lately ive had this mad urge to watch it.
also evangelion.
but i always wanna watch evangelion so thats no different.
xmas is gonna be good.
i think were all quite due for a break.
im ready to have fun come out of my ass hole.
in case u were wondering, thats a good thing.
lol.
lol.
i have the lol disease.
lol.
ok im done for serious now :)
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[December 09, 2007 @ 11:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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natasha bedingfield and sean kingston |
] |
put you in my heart and lock away the key,
cuz i only wanna be with you.
haha i sound like the stalkerist stalker EVER.
hehe...
I been listening to too much Moulin Rouge! OSTs....
woooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh i me.
this week is gonna be mad stressful.
you know what would make it better?
i did my xmas shopping (some of it).
ppl are really mean around this time of year.
they need to chillax.
if ur gonna shop, be friendly.
like me :)
this is the best time of the year,
so CHERISH IT.
haha i sound like a halmark card.
but for serious.
only 2 more weeks till break!!!!
AHHHHH!!!!!!!
so excited.
i love sean kingston. im listening to his colab with natasha bedingfield.
i think thats wat got me in this cutsey mood.
im almost done with my supa essay.
thank god.
i read it about 40090904985094839508430958094385094850943 times today.
i hope i get a good grade.
i find out if i got into skidmore this week.
if i do or dont,
u know what would make me feel better?
i hope i do get in tho.
id be mad happy.
then that means they liked my hobo essay.
thats what will make me happier than anything.
bc they chose me bc of me.
haha i really am way too cheezy today.
damn.
i hope im not getting my hopes up.
woops.
too late.
im a girl, tis wat i do.
unfortunately.....
i bought that vanilla bean noel lotion yesterday.
i love it.
i keep putting it on so i can smell how yummy it is.
yummy.
hehe.
stop.
haha im nuts.
ok, ima go eat lunchie i think before my mom eats all the lime chips.
i got but-but-but-but-butterflies.
yea i do, buddy.
yea i do.
oh god, i do.
AHHHHH!!!!!!
hehe butterflies are the bestest.
also the worst.
but the bestest :)
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| poems of confuzzled-ness |
[November 28, 2007 @ 3:48pm] |
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mood |
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gunslinger girl OST |
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These winter blossoms,
they keep falling,
and falling,
and I'm drowning,
and drowning,
in their effortless beauty.
The way they placate,
even when I wish they wouldn't.
It hurts more to be happy for a split second,
then to never know the essence of the word love.
I love the winter,
the harshness of the sky,
the rigidness of the land,
and the way those blossoms keep falling.
A guilty pleasure,
watching them.
They sting me sometimes,
and I vacate the area,
and I hide in the shadows of what I thought was mine,
what I thought was safe,
what I thought I could have.
I don't own the winter,
I don't own anything that belongs to it.
I am an inhabitant,
a mere passerby in the sequence of constellations,
and seasons of this earth,
this place that we've all grown to call home.
That winter took me up and above,
to have dinner with the stars and sun and moon in the sky.
It's not fair.
It's not fair to be tricked with such beauty,
with winter
and it's blossoms,
that I can't seem to fight away,
that I keep getting hurt on,
but that I can't get away from,
that I won't allow myself to escape.
No matter how many times they sting,
no matter how much they make me cry,
they will always be beautiful,
as will be the winter,
that is harshest to me,
and my heart.
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[November 18, 2007 @ 6:15pm] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
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music |
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across the universe OST |
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wow i make myself feel worse.
i also made myself believe that its ok for us to be from different worlds.
and its not.
its ok for me, but not for him.
i hope and hope.
i hate boys.
they are poops.
big
fat
POOPS!
I'm gonna quit them real soon.
it's not worth it anymore.
I'm too innocent and without anyone telling me I know that is the truth.
I'm afraid to call because I'm afraid of the info.
or lack there of.
I'm always afraid.
Because this is uncharted territory.
I dont know what to do.
what to say.
what to say to make everything alright.
The Across the Universe soundtrack just makes it worse.
because all the songs are about love.
"RIDICULOUS OBSESSION WITH LOVE."
theres some Moulin Rouge! for ya.
i love that movie.
"All you need is love."
haha. yea. i agree.
WHERE IS MY LOVE?!
lol.
im nuts today.
trying to numb myself.
haha.
wow im so emo.
not really.
today was a pretty good day, minus the work part.
very chill and i made rice for my spanish class!
this week should be good bc its so short.
i dont even kno why they torture us with school.
i still wanna go to that class even tho right now i feel its lost.
watever.
girl feelings suck.
AHHHHHHH.
i wrote more quotes on my desk today.
it made me happy ^.^
im so excited for xmas OMG.
i got this kick ass new coat yesterday but i have to wait till xmas to wear it which SUCKS.
but omg its such a hot coat.
OMG.
lol.
theres no one fun online to talk to !!!
i feel like changing my icon but idk to wat.
i wanna keep it NGE but i need to go search.
i think i shall do that right nows.
hope this was entertaining.
lol it was for me ^.~
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| food for thought...*sigh* |
[October 22, 2007 @ 3:42pm] |
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mood |
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 confuzzled |
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music |
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flyleaf |
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Buffy: That I'll have to agree with. You're pathetic, you know that?
You're not even a loser anymore, you're a shell of a loser.
Spike: Yeah. You're one to talk.
Buffy: Meaning?
Spike: The last time I looked in on you two, you were
fighting to the death. Now you're back making googly-eyes at each other
like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.
Buffy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Spike: Oh, yeah. You're just friends.
Angel: That's right.
Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends.
You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag,
and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be
friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's
blood...blood screaming inside you to work its will.
I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit
it.
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[October 13, 2007 @ 8:01pm] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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flyleaf |
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fuck
fuck fuck fuck
fuck.
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| emo entry (just a warning bc im allowed to be emo once in a while...) |
[September 14, 2007 @ 4:32pm] |
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mood |
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curious |
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music |
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Jeff's Music |
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shit. shit shitty shit shit.
everything that you have to say is a load of horse SHIT.
everything i have to say is shit.
it brought back all the feelings i had before,
what went thru my mind,
the easy.
the easy.
if it was that easy.
it seems easy now.
wrong, but easy.
the shit. this is it right here.
im back to square one,
back to fucking square one.
here i am, sewing my ripped sweater,
and thinking about what i should do,
and thinking about you too.
maybe not even you,
an entity of something bigger than both of us,
all of us.
the monster in your dreams,
the fear you've always got.
and im stitching myself up,
stitching my sweater,
and thinking about how i wish i could stitch up yours.
how i wish i could take it all way.
take it all way from both of us.
maybe we'd be happy somewhere else,
somewhere far away.
away from responsiblities and miserable people.
miserable fucking people.
fucking people.
people.
need to get lives.
need to sew a finger into their own sweaters and bleed on it.
maybe theyll realize what kind of life theyre living.
maybe i should do that.
maybe i need to do something to feel again.
im a really big hole like those kinds u seen in lil' chartoons.
theyre covered in grass
and then you fall in.
and fall in.
fall in some more.
and its black.
your breath quickens.
you feel perspiration forming on your now clammy and probably white skin.
your clothes stick to you.
your lungs congest as the air gets thicker.
your mind goes crazy,
trying to see through the darkness around you.
you cant.
you panic.
you scream.
you cry.
for anyone who wants to listen.
you know what,
i want you to love me.
i just heard it in a song.
love the FUCK out of me.
i want to FEEL your FUCKING love OOZING.
OOZ your FUCKING love on me,
you.
yes YOU.
thats all songs are about these days.
fucking love.
is that it?
i love myself,
is that enough?
is that FUCKING enough?
i think i do.
i know i do.
its just sometimes everything else goes crazy.
i cant get away so i want to stay away.
far away.
drug it up.
not really.
i dont have the balls.
i feel pathetic.
everything is pathetic.
needing anything is pathetic,
but we're human.
we need it all.
you hear that all the time,
but what the FUCK does it mean?
who the FUCK decided what 'human' meant?
who was the one that needed to make us feel like we had to fit a mold.
im the jello.
fuck molds.
im sticking to my own fucking shape
and honestly,
GO FUCK YOURSELF.
i wanna fly my jello ass outside.
i wanna be with the real good ones
with mother earth
and her real children.
were the fucking 18th angel
were the fucked up ones.
were the fuck-ups too.
all we do is fuck up.
even when we do right, its wrong.
having a conscious is what makes us wrong.
we were made wrong.
we were made to show all the other beings
what you DON'T wanna be like.
the kinda stuff you talk about behind closed doors.
if they even used doors.
animals dont have a conscious.
angels dont have a conscious.
nature doesnt have a conscious.
they're right, we're wrong.
read "the mysterious stranger" by mark twain.
watch evangelion.
you'll finally fucking get it.
you'll finally fucking GET IT.
people wonder why "God" lets things happen aroudn the world.
well you kno the fuck why?
we're the examples.
the bad exampls.
why screw up an experiment?
actually i dont agree with that,
what the FUCK was i thinking?
human mind strikes again.
like me.
like you.
like him.
like her.
like he.
like shit,
like it.
like they.
like them.
like us.
like us.
like US.
did u notice,
US?
U.S.?
the united states.
go tell that to your family.
tell them your from america.
go tell them.
do it.
tell them your "him"
they'll say "what?"
"exactly."
the best thing to say is what no one else understands.
someone needs to stop me.
thanks fucking SUPA english.
im free writing. non stop.
no i wanted to write this.
i told myself i would.
i thought about what i would write before i wrote it,
i always do.
i plan out everything,
i let people think they know.
and they do.
they do.
they think they know, and then dont,
and because of that they do.
everyone knows everyone.
were all so fucking predictable.
were either happy or sad.
depressed or hyper.
tired or awake.
theres never a gray area.
only with "blah."
i feel blah now.
she makes me not want to deal with anything.
makes me see that the world is just a whole bunch of black and white with color barfed in.
thats right,
barfed in.
barfed the fuck into your mind.
makes those feelings come back.
i finished my sweater.
i fucked it up.
i fucked it up.
i am fucking up now.
people will read this.
ill feel judged,
but like everyone else,
we want attention.
people ask to have their problems read.
and maybe im just like that.
i am actually.
bc i will go out of my way to show this to people.
i will go out of my way to show my sewed sweater too.
im proud and ashamed.
proud and ashamed.
im crying out loud.
maybe someone will fucking HEAR me for once.
stop being so god damn selfish.
im talking to us ALL right now.
im the one that helps people,
but fuck that makes me hypocritical.
im just as fucked up as the next person.
i just dont have the balls to do what happened,
and i dont have the balls to tell that person.
i dont.
because im not a child.
this should be over.
as i would say "this is so fucking 8/9th grade emo phase."
if you knew i think youd know.
youd know.
that maybe im ok in saying this.
maybe by saying that im trying to make myself feel better.
i wanna go see my doctor again
but we have money prblems right now.
im afraid to ask.
im afraid of my family in general.
jack is dead.
i cried for him last night,
i cried for my mom too.
i can feel her sadness thru her.
it makes me sad.
im connected to everyone i love
i think maybe thats why im taking this and that so hard.
youd know if you knew.
i take everything hard.
i used to not. i used to be numb like this all the time.
now that i have learned what love is.
i can love.
i just want that kind of love.
the love that i dont need to work at.
the natural love.
i have it for everyone.
i hate the word hate.
ha.
i strongly dislike the word hate.
there not i wont look like a hypocrit.
at least that part of it.
youd know if you knew.
i just need to see it.
see that it's ok.
see that it's gonna be back with me again.
im missing a part of me.
im always missing apart of me.
people keep taking.
i keep giving.
and i get. i get alot.
im just sometimes not wanting it.
i want it now.
i want it.
the wind.
it just blew on my sweater.
my sweater waved at me.
it was it.
the monster is gonna get its ass kicked.
isolation isnt the answer.
its not.
i kno its not.
but its hard sometimes.
bc lying isnt the answer either.
youd know if you knew.
youd know if you knew.
i love you.
i love you and you
and you
and
you.
i wanna write a song.
a really intricately laced song with amazing lyrics.
fuck you phone.
STOP RINGING.
oh its tiki.
its ok.
bishop grimes.
"O they're on made?"
holy shit.
thats cool.
my heart fluttered.
tikis so adorable.
i love her.
i remember in 8th grade she told me she mite go to live in india
and i sobbed after i got off the phone with her.
she then decided not to go
and i told her she just saved my life.
and she did.
honestly she is like so amazing to me.
so is olivia.
we went thru so much shit as children.
we were family.
we still are.
her mom is like a second mom to me
and im sure she feels the same way about mine.
i hope so.
we got thru all the hard shit.
and we both grew up.
i love her too.
and she changed a lot because of isaac.
hmmm isaac.
such a silly kid.
i remember at one point i loved that kid.
i did for a while.
i remember how depressed i was when oli and isaac first started dating.
it took me a long time to move on.
i wont say how long.
not too long.
dont worry.
now i love them together.
theyre too adorable.
theyll make beautiful isaac and oli babies.
isaac is so incredibly smart.
hell be going places in life.
and caitlin.
caitlin from girl scout camp.
caitlin from sleep overs and secrets.
and the callahan's camp.
and talking during lunch last year in the art room.
and her lil cutie dan.
they're both so beautiful.
i love them.
heather, you have been thru so much,
and i helped u as much as i could think to.
i want you to be so happy.
i want you to be a writer.
you have so much talent.
dont let it waste.
i know you wont tho.
and marissa.
same goes for you.
your talent is endless.
your beautiful and proud of you
and you have the i dont give a fuck attitude about you that is amazing.
trully amazing.
i love you both too soo much.
elyse and edi,
my two fave mormons.
i remember me and elyse were mad close before.
and i think by the end of this yr we mite be again.
i like her lots.
i love her too.
shes so sweet
her and jeremiah are so adorable.
shes so strong and sensitive and hell,
she could kick my ass with karate!!
edi,
your so you.
i love you because of that.
you do whatever you want
you do what you want to do to be who you wanna be.
your so friendly and easily lovable.
its amazing.
arielle.
you are so amazing too.
your a gorgeous girl
and you always look so carefree
and i love that you have that attitude too.
your so intelligent tho
and you just ooze elegance.
i love you too honey.
i hate that word,
but fuck it im using it.
constanza
you are you.
i didnt vote for you for that thingy and i was a bitch about it bc i think you heard me,
but fuck it,
i love you too.
you are a smart girl
you are perty perty,
and you dotn give a fuck what ppl think.
you do what u wanna do.
its fantastic.
fantastic fantastic.
kathryn b.
or k-dawg.
you are the smartest person it think i ever met.
you love being you
and i love you for it.
i always see you eating oatmeal.
me no likey oatmeal,
but its ok if your eating it.
momo-chan.
i love you so much.
i love you i love you.
we just became good friends last year,
and god your an amazing girl.
amazing and more amazing.
fuck people that think of you as only what has happened in your past.
you are you,
and dont fucking let anyone tell u different.
i love you because of who you are and not bc i feel bad.
you have an amazing personality.
your smart,
funny,
beautfiul,
and so freaking graceful.
jeff.
no words could explain it.
matt.
no words could explain it.
with everyone theres ups and downs,
but what the fuck who cares.
when it comes down to it,
i dotn wanna hear it.
we all love eachother.
we LOVE.
i have so many friends i cant even think of what to say.
i could write abook about how amazing ppl are.
i kno in their hearts that they are good people.
i hope they are.
i think they are.
i kno they are.
i love so much.
i worry its too much,
or that i mite just be saying i love,
but after this last week.
i kno i love.
i kno i love.
i just have to learn to love agian.
i need to un numb myself.
wake up.
wake the fuck up SARA.
SARA,
CAN
YOU
HEAR
ME?!
wake up.
wake up.
everyones waiting for you to be you,
to make them laugh,.
to make them smile
to cheer them up
to love them.
to be near them
to stop ignoring them.
im ready.
i want it to be ready to.
it and i can be happy together.
we can,
i want to believe that.
its cheezy. but i wanna believe it.
i do.
i do.
i dont.
maybe.
i do.
my sweater.
im wearing it now.
it keeps me warm.
i cried on it earlier.
i am crying on it now.
my heart.
my nervousness.
my brick is back.
i hate it.
go away.
go away evil thing.
why wont my sweater protect me?
protect me
i dont wnt to be the old me.
im fighting myself.
im fighting.
i dont want to be that person.
i am that person.
i need to get away.
that person needs to be kicked out.
leave me the fuck alone.
no editing.
im not editing this.
your reading this for real.
this is my thought process.
random.
my moms going to be home soon and im still typing.
i dotn wnt to do anything tonite,
but actually i do.
i want to because itll be good for me.
i want to be with those that love me.
they make me smile
and they make me want to feel again.
after a week on numb
i want to feel again.
i want to feel.
hair cut.
ok.
feeling.
feeling.
nope still nothing,
ive been playing the piano lately.
"Moonlight Sonata" part 1.
i can almost play it.
its pretty good.
that song is beautiful.
same as "Ave Maria."
its beautiful.
anyone can appreciate the beauty of such a song.
it reminds me of.
and i cry.
my sweaters already wet enough.
i gotta stop it.
maybe i could just put it under the water in my sink
and then i wouldnt have to see the spots of my tears.
but then id be running away like i always do.
no.
i dont always run aaway.
only sometimes.
when i just dont give a shit.
i have to start giving a shit.
i love you.
please come home.
please come home.
let me breathe again.
i want you home.
home where you belong.
home where you belong.
i could write.
but im going to stop.
its time to go and make something of myself.
call and get a plan for tonite going.
be with the people i want to be with.
if you love me,
youll read this and not judge me
take me for who i am
and love me.
love me
and talk to me.
we all need to be talked to
even when we say were ok.
i learned that the hard way.
one sunday morning.
when i ripped my sweater.
and today,
im gonna stop crying on it,
i fixed it,
and now it's time to WEAR IT.
fucki am cheezy.
jeff's music all sounds the same.
i cant stop typing.
i feel imcomplete if i stop.
i have OCD.
ill know when its right.
its right.
nope.
not yet.
ok.
im going to go outside.
and call some people.
dont forget that i love you.
good-bye ol' chap.
great gatsby.
lol.
good-bye tho,
GOOD-BYE.
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